I Wish I Had The Blue
Spurglie

what do you think? The, the, the purple, right? 'Cause, 'cause it's sombre?

She stood by the window and watched me. The window in that room where we used to be together. Big beautiful eyes that brimmed with tears for days and days for me. Just for me. She didn't know that she soothed me more than anything else could have. If she wasn't there I would have curled up on the bed and just let everything ache.

no. No, it's too depressing, i..it's like, um, a... funeral... god. I... Well, this is cheerier maybe. I..I wanna be cheery like, like everything is normal?

She watched me. She let me rant on and on and on like a fool about what stupid shirt I was going to wear and about how I felt and how I had to act and how this was effecting me. me. me. me.

no, that's rude, that's, that's disrespectful. La la la! I don't care!

I threw the clothes away from me. Clothes that she had taken to the laundry for me when I had a paper due. I threw them away from me and I sighed. It hurt my throat, while my baby, my darling, my Tara stood by and watched me.

if I had that blue one... J..Joyce really liked the blue one. She told me one time. You, you sure it's not in your room?

I think she winced then, like I was blaming her for me not feeling right... like it was her fault I couldn't calm down, that I was focusing on cotton and fibres and stupid fucking colours so that I didn't have to focus on what was really wrong. That Joyce Summers, Buffy's mom, was dead.

She's dead dead dead. La la la I don't care.

Tara, my sweet Tara, she winced and her body moved forward like she was reaching out to me.

I-I-I could look again...

Stutter, stutter, never spit your words out when you're nervous.

no. No, I-I, I should, I should wear the purple. The purple, I, I, I think the purple, it's just that it's so, I don't know, i-it doesn't mean something bad?

No. I told her no when all I ever should have told her was yes. No -- don't go and look for me again, you couldn't get it right the first time. No -- there's nothing else you can do. No -- don't leave me alone, I need your strength to hold me up. No -- god in heaven, no, don't leave me alone. I need you. I need you.

I think it's, um... royal. Purple means... royalty

Nonsense. Talking nonsense to me because she knew I needed her and she didn't know how to help me.

well, I can't see Buffy at the morgue and be all royal! Oh, I'm the king of everything, I'm better than you! I have to be supportive, I, Buffy needs me to be supportive, I...

I picked up another shirt. I had to blink to see clearly. For a minute I was blind, couldn't clear it, couldn't make it go away.

god, why do all my shirts have such stupid things on them? Why can't I just dress like a grownup? Can't I be a grownup?

No. No. No never be a grownup. Never learn my lesson. Never grow old and never die. Just be here for always, in this room with my girl.

shhh

Her touch on my shoulders, soft skilful hands rubbing rubbing at my shoulders and neck, circles and lines and words over my skin.

shhh

Squeezes me and I can feel new tears. I don't want them to fall but it's nothing and it's everything and these are the important times. When it hurts so bad and when you are loved so much and she's here with me and she's comforting me.

shhh, darling

I'm her darling. She's my sweetheart. My lover. We make love together. When we're apart I'm nothing, but when we are together we join into one being and it is love.

I can't do this

Lips and the taste of her. I can almost remember what it was like when she touched me. A different kind of touch that broke into my world. A touch to my forehead for comfort and then to my mouth for love. She leant her forehead against mine and my headache eased a little at the pressure, I remember that.

It's funny what you remember.

we can do this

We. We can do this. I couldn't do it by myself, but we could get through it together.

okay. We can be there for Buffy. And Dawn

I choked on tears. So many tears, so much hurt.

little Dawn

She'd never known anyone who had died before. No one who mattered. No one real to her. Dawnie wasn't real, but she was to us.

we can be strong

Together we were strong.

strong like an Amazon?

She smiled at me. She smiled with me.

strong like an Amazon, right

She'd done it. I was sniffling, not bawling. Everything hurt. My chest, my ribs, my throat, my jaw, my neck, my eyes. She'd done it. We were together and I was loved.

She's dead now, too.

I'm all alone. I'm alone in this new room. This room they put me in. I walk up and down and look for a way out, but it's hard to see the cracks when everything's white. Sometimes I float on the ceiling but they don't like it when I do and they always pull me down again and then it's dark. The white makes my eyes hurt sometimes and I have to close them tightly to see colours.

They say it isn't true. They tell me that nothing happened. I don't believe them. I can't. I know if she was here she'd hold me in her arms and tell me that I'm right and that it's okay. That she loved me.

But she's not here, so I can't be sure that I'm right.

She's dead now, too.

I wish I had the blue

I couldn't find it

It doesn't matter. We should get there

Willow. Shirt. Sombre.