Snape Wakes Up Gay!
by Siren

Severus Snape opened his eyes and was greeted with the usually dull picture of his dungeon room ceiling; however this morning he paused to study the interesting patterns that the cracks carved into the cold stone. Tilting his head, he squinted his eyes and was quite overjoyed to find one particular crack that looked very much like rabbit. Smiling, he got out of his comfortable bed for he looked forward to improving the minds of all Hogwarts's students. At first he restrained himself from skipping because it wouldn't be proper, but then he thought, "Sod proper!" and skipped up to the mirror, smiling at his reflection. Then a queer statement came over his face. As he blinked at himself two words escaped his lips.

"I'm gay."

That said, he let out an ear-piercing shriek as he noticed the sorry state of his hair. Rushing into the bathroom, he turned the shower on and practically leaped into the stall, only pausing for a moment when he remembered that it would be foolish to get his clothes wet. Grabbing the ancient bottle of shampoo that had sat on the shelf in the shower for numerous years, he emptied nearly half of it onto his hair and proceeded to scrub as if his life depended on it. Finally he was sure that his hair was clean and in a proper state, he cleansed the rest of his body, and exited the shower.

But once again he was met with a rather horrifying image.

"Hmm," he said turning his head this way and that. "The shampoo must have gone bad. I'm not really sure it's my colour, though; green would have been better. But," he heaved with a sigh, "breakfast will begin soon, and I must not be late."

Turning away from it he was fairly startled when the object called after him, "Oi! What are you now, a bloody fairy?! You look like a regular poof!"

Severus whirled on the inanimate mirror, and for the first time that morning a scowl found its way onto his face. Then an amazing thing happened, that scowl smoothed itself out and was replaced with a look a calm serenity.

"You are entitled to your opinion, but I would prefer it if you would not refer to me as 'poof' or 'fairy'. If you must call me anything at all it will have to be 'homosexual' or perhaps 'gay'. Both of those other words are very insulting," he responded. The mirror shut up, and he was sure that if it had had eyes they would have been wide and blinking. Leaving the bathroom, he began to hunt through his wardrobe. After nearly every article of clothing was tossed about the room, a cry of triumph could be heard from the very depths of bottomless maw that was Severus' wardrobe.

"I found it! I knew I had it somewhere, but wasn't sure if I had thrown it out." Hurriedly getting out of his pyjamas, he climbed into the robe. Then he moved to stand in front of his bedroom mirror. This one was a great deal more kind and, while Severus twirled in front of it, it spoke encouragingly.

"You look lovely, dear. That shade of pale green suits you marvelously and it most definitely goes with the hair! I knew that somewhere in you there was a fashion-expert!"

"Thank you so much," he replied, smiling widely at the mirror. With a final twirl, he picked up his robe and skipped out the door.


And of course as luck would have it the only person in the Great Hall at the time was Professor Sprout, with whom Snape had been having a nice quiet relationship. Of course she was extremely startled by his appearance and even more distressed. She watched with wide eyes as he skipped down the centre aisle to the teachers' table. He was obviously very happy, and her melancholy returned in the wake of amazement. What was she going to do? She hadn't meant to end up in bed with Flitwick, but everything he lacked in height he certainly made up for elsewhere! But now she was going to have to ruin Sev's good mood. there was no possible way she could remain in a relationship with him after cheating with Flitwick!

"Hello, darling! Wonderful day, isn't it?" He beamed at her. In response she blinked back tears and nodded hesitantly. "How are you?" he continued, and rushed onward without waiting for an answer. "I myself feel amazing well, better than I have for a long time, in fact!"

"Err, Sev, do you realize that you're hair is pink?" she asked, afraid of his response.

"Yes, I know." he said shortly, patting the top of his head. "I washed my hair today and that damn shampoo turned it pink. Oh well! Should give the students a good laugh!" he pointed out merrily. Suddenly he paused and heaved a great sigh.

"Oh bother all! I've got to go speak with the Bloody Baron about something. You'll excuse me? Good day." And with a swish of his pastel robes he was gone from the Great Hall leaving Prof. Sprout sitting in her chair blinking.

Then suddenly she realized what had just happened, and proceeded to rush out of the Great Hall. She had to find Dumbledore as soon as possible. Something was terribly wrong with Severus!


Still in a sunny mood, Severus bid goodbye to the Bloody Baron and turned around to find himself facing the Headmaster. Blinking, he studied the old man in front of him. Dumbledore wasn't all that old and was fairly good looking. Sev had always admired him and he admitted to himself that he considered the Headmaster quite sexy. Thus, seeing as how the day was already so wonderful, he decided to tell him how he felt.

"Good morning, Headmaster. Did you know that I consider you quite sexy?"

For several seconds Dumbledore didn't answer, but when he did he did so with his customary calm, if a little puzzled.

"No, I didn't know that. Is there a reason you're telling me this?" he questioned.

"Yes, there is. I was wondering if you like to..." However, Prof. Sprout interrupted him, bursting around the corner.

"Albus! Sir, there's something wrong with Severus!" She paused to draw in a quick breath and then stopped when she saw both of them standing there, Albus with kind inquiry on his face, and Sev with annoyance on his. Taking in another breath she continued, "Albus you've found him! There's something wrong with him!"

"What do you mean?" Dumbledore inquired.

"Look at him!" She all but shrieked, "he's not wearing black, and worse, it's pastel! And his hair is pink!"

"Yes, you are right, there is something wrong with him." Turning back to Severus, he held out his hand. After Sev had taken it he turned to Prof. Sprout. "I'll go have a chat with him in my office. Make sure you tell everyone that nobody is to disturb us."

"Of course, Headmaster." She nodded her head slightly and left, sure that Albus would be able to figure out what was wrong.


Dinner, that day...

Ron leaned over to Harry and gestured towards that teachers' table.

"Where do you reckon Snape and Dumbledore have been all day? I heard that neither of them have been seen all day. And Justin Finch-Fletchley says that he saw them go into Dumbledore's office, and they haven't left all day!"

"I dunno," responed Harry, "it's probably nothing. Maybe he did something to Prof. Sprout. She's been looking queer all day."

Nodding in answer, Ron took a bite out of his turkey leg. "And did you notice how Flitwick keeps trying to catch her eye?" However, Harry was saved from answering when Hermione glared at them both.

"Would you two stop it! It's not polite for us to gossip about teachers," she reprimanded with a scowl. The two boys only rolled their eyes in response and went back to their meal.

I'm Gay!