I Can't Believe
I can't believe it happened...
I'm still trying to figure out why I did it. Power, that's what I told
myself. I enjoyed making this girl that Clark obsessed over weak for little
old me. His good friend, his second choice, and she wanted me -- the quirky
little High School reporter.
I can't believe I'm even thinking this way...
It defies the little system I set up in my mind. From the day I came to
Smallville Jr. High the line was drawn between her and I. I thought I knew
her type, they were everywhere. She was the typical ditzy popular girl. Only
she wasn't. While everyone seem to know her and she was, by definition,
"popular". She didn't seem to travel in some little clique that made it
there business to read the latest fashion magazine from some big city and
make everyone else feel inferior with there sense of style. No, she spent
most of her time reading or riding horses (not surprising considering she
was a country girl). Many people didn't know this, but even as a baby she
had been stunning. When I researched the meteor shower I found out that as a
baby Lana Lang had been chosen as a model for a children's line of clothing.
The 3 year old's tragedy made her less friendly with the camera and that
"career" (for better or worse) ended. The tragedy was what stood out in
people's minds, so this time before was all but forgotten. Still, if not for
the fact she was so damn annoyingly beautiful, she could have easily gone
through high school unnoticed. I had to work to be noticed, to stand out.
All she had to do was exist to be worshipped.
I hated it, but what I hated the most was when I was forced to get to know
her just a little bit, I didn't hate her. There were times when she looked
at me, those rare moments when were were alone together and I felt like I
was losing control. Like if she asked me to follow her to the moon, I'd ask
what time she wanted me to meet her there. I hated feeling as weak as Clark
and the rest of the town when Lana Lang looked at me and I didn't know how
to control it. So just like before when she was looking for that speech,
when she told me about the Talon I was drawn into helping her by some force
I couldn't explain.
I can't believe I kissed Lana Lang...
That wasn't my intention when I came by her house. In fact, I had no
intentions of coming in at all. But Clark and Pete weren't too happy with my
recent decision to support someone else in the school elections. And being
Lana, when we talked about it she had been so understanding. God I hate that
about her -- Hate it and love it all at once -- there's a thin line between
the two you know. So we talked, we poked fun at the boys, we laughed, and
then I kissed her.
It was a moment of insanity or at least that what I tell myself. I'm still
shocked I did it. But what shocked me more was her response. She didn't push
me away, she gave into me -- actually she melted beneath me. And I liked it,
I liked having this ability to make her melt, it gave me a rush. How long
had Clark been ignoring me for the opportunity to do the same? So I had one
up on Clark or at least that's what I told myself after I had her in my
arms, after I made her shiver beneath me, after I made her beg for me.
The problem was, I became as lost as she was and it scared me. I wasn't
ready to jump into something like this. The things I believed were odd
enough, I didn't need this label. She didn't seem to care, but I did. I had
some limited control over what defined my High School career and right now
it wasn't going to bad. Not perfect, but not too bad. I wasn't going to let
one moment of insanity throw it all away. After all, I wasn't gay, I was
just lonely and Lana Lang was a good listener and she had those eyes, eyes
that could make anyone weak, eyes that seemed to look inside you and pull
you inside her all at once. I couldn't be blamed for falling victim to them.
I knew however, if we pursued this thing and this fell apart, hers would be
called a phase and I would forever be labeled. I knew in the end, they would
all still love her, but Clark and Pete would never see me the same way.
They'd try to stay my friend and would, but I would be someone different to
them. So when I staked the odds one way and put them up against the
alternative, I knew I had to walk away.
I can't believe I let her go for a guy that made me second...
Because now she's in the hospital and I'm standing here in this pink dress.
The gown that was suppose to make this night mine. I had won the heart of
Prince Charming and his dance at the ball. Though I claimed Cinderella
wasn't my role model, I had worked hard for this night. I had even been
almost angry at him for walking away. That was until I saw her laying in
that hospital bed. Then suddenly nothing mattered, at least nothing that
mattered before, not winning Clark over Lana or Lana over Clark, all that
mattered was she had almost died. And I just wanted those eyes to open and
look at me again.
I can't believe I fell in love with Lana Lang.