I really need to get it together. I thought to myself as I made my way into the kitchen. Drinks? What was I thinking? I could care less about some stupid cokes right now. I opened the refridgerator doors and relocated the cans from the freezer. I just kissed another girl and I'm worried about freezing cokes. Get it together, Isabel. I scolded myself. Closing the fridge, I sighed heavily and leaned in to rest my forehead against it's, somewhat, cool exterior.
I kissed Tess. No, she kissed me...but I didn't push her away. Well, at first I didn't. I wish I hadn't.
God, her lips were so inviting. It felt so natural, yet different. Her kiss was different. It wasn't rushed...it wasn't full of want and need or lust..it wasn't persistant or demanding. The kiss was tender...affectionate. Tess's kiss was loving. Our lips had only connected for a matter of seconds, but that's what I had felt. That's what I still feel. No guy has ever kissed me like that. Not that I've kissed alot of guys, because I haven't. Even though a few have made unwanted advances. And then there's Alex. No, now is definately not a time to think about him...to think about him and ruin this moment. I should be focusing on the matter at hand.
I kissed Tess, and I enjoyed it. That's all there is to it. I'm never going to get over this. What does this make me? Gay? No, definately not, because hey, Ricky Martin is still hot. Bisexual? No way. I dont check out other girls.
"No, obviously I just kiss them..." I mumbled to myself as I stood up straight and turned to find the closest chair.
"You kiss who?"
"God," I jumped as Max spoke, materializing directly in front of me. "I didn't hear you come down here. And you scared the hell out of me."
"You kiss who?" Max repeated with a confused look.
"I was talking to myself," Pulling out one of the kitchen table chairs, I sat down heavily and let my head fall to the table.
"You okay?" Max asked as he got himself a glass of water and joined me at the table.
"What?" I sat up quickly. "She's upstairs, okay. Where else would she be?"
"In your bed, maybe. I don't know." Max was starting to act weired out.
"So what if she sleeps in my bed."
"She always shares your bed, Isabel." Max stood up. "I'm going to bed, although I think that you're the one that needs the sleep."
Then he was gone, leaving me alone in the dark kitchen. I wasn't ready to go back to my room just yet. That's where Tess was. That's where my bed was. I wasn't ready to be alone with her just yet. No, I still needed some time to think about this. Some time to process just what had gone on. Maybe it was something I did, that started this whole thing. Something that led her to believe that I wanted her to kiss me. I did want her to kiss me, though. Signals. That was it. I must of been giving her the wrong signals. But I got exactly what I wanted.
Deep down, I've always craved security, and that's what she gives me. Tess made me feel like I mattered. Like I was more than just another person. But I'm not a person. I'm an alien. What if this was just an 'alien thing'... I want it to be more. Then why did I get up and take off? She probably thinks that I think she's a freak. Maybe I'm the freak. Maybe this was just one of those one-time experimental things. It didn't feel like it. I hope that's not what it was.
Everyone wants to feel needed. At least, I know that's what I want - to feel needed. Earlier Tess asked me if I knew who I wanted. I think I know the answer..but I'm not sure if I'm willing to admit it. It wouldn't go over well, that's for sure. What am I thinking? I kiss another girl..barely even once, and already i'm wondering who is going to flip out and who's not. I mean, it's not like I'm going to tell anyone about all of this. Then again, what if Tess tells someone? Thought I doubt she would, maybe I better talk to her about-.
"Isabel?" came Tess's voice.
I turned to see her small form, standing in the doorway of the kitchen. I didn't speak. How could I? I was frozen in my seat, thanking god that the house was dark and she couldn't see the look of surprise on my face. I wasn't ready to face her just yet. I needed a few more minutes to myself. But I guess it's too later for that, now. I thought as she crossed the room to stand in front of me. I still didn't speak. There were so many things that needed to be said, but I couldn't make, not one of them, leave my mouth.
"Can we...g-go in the other room?" Tess asked nervously, in a quiet tone.
Instead of answering, I just stood up and walked past her. Once in the living room, I stretched out on my side, on out couch, propping my head on a few pillows. Tess sat down in the floor, leaning against the couch just in front of where I was resting my head. We sat there for a few minutes, neither of us saying anything. Getting tired of the silence, I reached up to the arm of the couch, groping for the television controller, finding it where it always was. For some reason BET was on. I looked at the clock on the vcr...it read one-fifteen.
That meant they'd be playing all those love songs, so I changed the channel. I was still flipping when I heard Tess speak again.
"Isabel. Are you mad?" she asked without looking at me.
"I just really don't know what to say right now." I answered, forgetting the television.
"I'm sorry about what happened," Tess was shaking her head slowly, as if she were trying to make something go away. "I - I shouldn't of dont that, I shouldn't of-"
"Please don't say that," I whispered to myself, squeezing my eyes shut for a moment. Obviously Tess had heard me, over the tv, because she turned to face me.
"I just...I - don't say you're sorry." I finally blurted out, surprising her.
"But, I am, Isabel. I-"
"I don't want you to be," I said a little more seriously. At Tess's confused expression, I sat up propping myself on my arm, then I spoke again. "I-I...please just dont apologize."
"I'm not..sure I quite understand, Isabel." Tess was clearly confused. "I thought that you were mad...so, why-"
"Because if you tell me you're sorry, I-" I paused, playing with a loose thread on the couch. "I might not have the nerve t-to tell you that I..."
"To tell me, what, Isabel?" Tess asked, urging me to continue.
"That I think I want you to do it again." I finally looked up to meet her eyes with mine. What i saw tehre, was definately a marginal amount of uncertainty, and still a little confusion. "That I..I need you, to do it again."
I was tired of hearing her talk. I was tired of hearing myself talk. I didn't want to talk anymore. To think, anymore. All I wanted was to feel her warm mouth...her full lips..melting into mine. I wanted to lose myself in her. And all these feelings...they hadn't been there earlier when I'd been wrestling with the decision of what I needed and what I wanted. But they were here now, and it was all I could think about.
And as I look at Tess's mouth, god it's all I could see, and her lips were moving. What was she saying? I didn't know...I didn't want to know. I didnt want to care...and even though I couldn't make out anything that she was saying, I still wanted her to just stop talking. So I did the only thing I could think of.
Bracing myself, I leaned forward, silencing her with my mouth. She responded without any hesitation. I allowed her to deepen the kiss this tim, and I knew that I should think this was wrong, but it felt too right for me to push her away again. I felt her hands in my hair then, but they stopped when she she reached the back of my neck, pulling my mouth, only harder, against hers...our tongues becoming entangled.
Suddenly, I found myself leaning back into the couch. Without breaking the contact, Tess moved with me, and before I kenw it, I had Tess completely stretched out on top me. The soft weight of her body felt totally right, pressing into mine. I don't think either of us had any idea what we were doing, but it didn't matter.
"Is..." Tess breathed, breaking the kiss. "What if..what if someone..you know..sees us."
"Don't worry," I said quietly, feeling around for the remote. Once I found it, I pushed the button to turn it off, leaving the house completely dark once again.
"Are you sure you're okay with this?" Tess asked gently, tucking some of her indomitable, golden locks behind her ear. When I didn't answer, she sighed shakily and moved from on top of me, to sit at the end of the couch. "This shouldn't happen again...it just..shouldn't."
I sat up, not knowing what to say. What could I say that would make any difference, or even any sense.? I knew she was right..but why didn't it feel that way? This was the first time anything this strange has happened to me...but I wanted to fight it. Everything in my body was screaming at me to tell her that she was wrong. This was all new to me, but somehow I knew that it might just be what I've been needing all along. Tess was someone I could talk to. Someone I could relate to. She's like me..and she understands me and everything I'm about. It all makes sense to me now. And if only I could bring myself to open my mouth to protest, then maybe this wouldn't have to end. But I didn't. Instead, I just sat there, staring into the dark, silent room.