There are remarkably few constants in the world of Oz related slash fiction.
In exploring the homoerotic subtext conveyed in the portrayal of the lissom
lycanthrope there is perhaps an overuse of the adjectives, "laconic",
"taciturn" and "stoic", and many authors have a tendency
to write Oz as a drug-addled hippy with a hair dye addiction to rival Sarah
Michelle Gellar's. However, despite these minor infractions, Oz slash has broadly
avoided developing too much in the way of its own fanon.
Our intention with
this paper is not to refute that assertion. Nevertheless, it has come to the
attention of the researchers here at LOOSE that a trend has developed in this
mellow corner of the fandom that might be classified by less experienced academics
as fanon. It is our contention however that this phenomenon transcends fanon
and is actually key to our understanding of Oz as a character, and is therefore
perhaps a central tenet in the mythology of the Buffyverse. It may even be a
radical new alternative in humankind's quest for enlightenment.
It is the Universal
Theory of Oz's Outsize Love-truncheon (or the Universal TOOL for short).
In an increasing
number of Oz slash stories (and possibly Oz-related adult heterosexual fics
too, but we at LOOSE don't actually read those) the circumference and length
of Oz's manhood are what can only be described as fucking massive.
Examine these examples:
from Kate Bolin
and Dolores Labouchere's Tripod
from the Wicked
Do these examples
illustrate merely the wish fulfilment of the authors involved? Are they simply
part of their deranged fantasies involving Oz, his enormous cock, a feather
boa, a bottle of champagne and the honeymoon suite at the Ritz? Perhaps.
Perhaps not. LOOSE
academics now believe that the inclusion of a huge penis is not in fact a method
of introducing pornographic dimensions to scenes of slashy Oz sex. Instead,
it is the only logical explanation for Oz's personality. In other words, Oz's
entire sense of self has been defined because he is weighty of cock.
Oz is, as we know,
short, ginger and quiet; in others this might be a recipe for insecurity, timidity
and a lack of self-confidence. Yet, except when he loses control, Oz has none
of these things: instead he is normally assured and happy with himself. This
can only indicate a manhood so large that it entirely compensates for any deficiency
in his masculinity society might attribute to him. In fact, so great is the
girth and reach of his manly sceptre it affords him an air of zen-like calm
that, with the aid of the Tibetan shamans, he uses to suppress the wolf within.
Moreover, the powers
of Oz's massive penis have become so developed it has become a totem of tranquillity.
Scientific tests conducted at LOOSE's secret facility in the mountains of Guatemala
have concluded that merely invoking the name of Oz's cock has almost immediately
pacified stampeding bison. Further experiments proved a life-size bronze sculpture
of Oz's enormous schlong could in fact be used as a general anaesthetic, saving
healthcare systems around the globe millions of dollars in drug costs.
What LOOSE proposes
is to harness the extraordinary powers of this mighty reproductive organ for
the good of humankind. A large enough representation of Oz's cock - carved from,
say, Mount McKinley - would result in an aura of peace that would traverse the
globe. World peace would be achieved, an end to hunger and possibly even the
scourge of the heterosexual male could be eradicated for good from our fair
such times as this can be achieved, LOOSE urges you to use the power of Oz's
cock in your daily lives. Bring a little harmony to your area, and eventually
the world will follow.