The Pez Slut
Oz looked across the table at Willow again. He was sitting closely to
Cordelia, while Willow and Xander sat separate from each other, and Buffy and
Giles argued about a forthcoming prophecy. He knew that Cordelia didn't want
to be there, just as he didn't, but it was a matter of saving the world.
"But Giles, I can take this thing!" Buffy whined, as Giles paced, looking in
to the book he was studying.
"Buffy, it's ninety-seven feet tall, and twenty in diameter. It's got a
gigantic powerful tail, and the blood lust of a hundred vampires. You are
going to need to go in there with more than your strength and a really sharp
bowie knife." Giles tried appealing to Buffy's common sense, but we've already
uncovered the fact that such a creature doesn't exist. The actuality of a
leprechaun was more plausible.
To Oz's, and everyone else in the library's surprise, Cordelia raised her hand
up, standing suddenly, "I've found it!" Cordelia shouted and began to read
from the book, "Gernosh can be taken down by the sensitivity of his big toes.
Once down he should have difficulty getting up, so...while he's down you can
do whatever it is you do to kill him."
"Let me see that." Giles took the book from Cordelia, and looked it over
quickly. "Yes, she's right!" Giles read on, his face sinking. He read on some
more until Buffy hit him in the arm, "What is it, Giles? Spill!"
"It seems this whole research party has been...useless." Giles sighed, "The
other book was wrong, his appearance is not destined for another ninety
"Oh, that's just great. I so hate you," Cordelia said to Giles, stomping her
foot and scowling.
"I'm very sorry about this whole...mess." Giles sighed.
Cordelia stomped out of the library quickly. Oz didn't know what propelled him
to, but he got up and followed her out. "Cordelia, wait up."
Once they were both outside the library doors, and halfway down the hall,
Cordelia stopped, "What!?" Cordelia asked, annoyed, trying to hide a look of
hurt on her face.
"Spit it out, wolfboy."
"I know that was probably really hard for you."
"Of course it was hard for me. I had to be locked up in that library for
hours, sitting across from Xa-Xa...that ass, and it was all for nothing. I've
wasted valuable shopping time."
Oz remembered something while Cordelia was about to turn back away. Oz reached
into the bookbag that was slung over his shoulder, "I got you something."
"You what?" Cordelia looked on, interested.
Oz pulled out what appeared to be a small crumpled piece of newspaper, and
handed it to Cordelia.
Cordelia looked down at it with a look of distaste, "Remind me not to shop
wherever you got that gift-wrapped." Oz smirked as she opened it up.
Cordelia looked down at the present, then back up and Oz, the back down at the
present. She held it up. A Miss Piggy Pez dispenser. "What in the world is
this?" Cordelia looked at it like it was some great enigma.
"It's a Pez dispenser. I collect them...that one made me think of you." Oz
Cordelia smiled, crinkling her nose, "That's so cute." It suddenly dawned on
her, "Are you trying to say I'm fat!?" Cordelia demanded, looking mad all of
"No! I never think of Miss Piggy as fat. I think of her as a fashionplate,
who's got all the looks. She's more like...bodacious. Plus, she always reined
her relationship with Kermit." Cordelia smiled again, reaching out and hitting
Oz on the arm. Oz's hand strayed to his arm, "You're both also very violent."
Cordelia grinned, "This was so sweet of you. I wish I had something to give
you...how about a makeover?" Oz shook his head, "Uhh...no, it's a gift, I
don't expect anything in return."
Cordelia leaned over and gave Oz a kiss on the cheek. "I have to go now. I'll
see you later. Cordelia walked away, and she was almost there when Oz called
to her, "It's filled with strawberry Pez. I took you for a strawberry gal."
Cordelia nodded, popping one in to her mouth as she left the school. Oz turned
to go back to the library, since he'd left some books in there, and he was
faced with a hurt looking Willow. "Y-y-y-you gave her Pez?"
Oz just ignored Willow, trying to push his way past her to the library but she
stopped him, "I thought it was special."
Oz turned to Willow, and said with wry sarcasm, "Sigh, alas, I am a big Pez
slut. I spread my favors around to any woman, or man for that matter, that
Willow tried to hide the tears as she ran down the hall, out the door quickly.
"There wasn't one moment of that that wasn't fun." Oz said as he entered the
library. Buffy and Xander were packing up to go home, and Giles was sitting at
the desk with a sour look on his face. Buffy and Xander both waved good-bye to
Oz as they left the library. Oz went to his area to gather up the stuff he'd
left behind, and he kept giving glances back to the distraight looking
librarian. He had his stuff packed up when he went over to Giles.
"Hey," Oz said, in true Oz form.
Giles looked up, "Can I help you with something?"
"I can see why everybody always messes your name up with Jeeves. You're always
asking if you can help us," Oz observed.
"Yes...well, can I help you?"
Oz reached into his bag again, "I got you something."
"You what?" Giles seemed beyond shocked.
Oz gave him the newspaper wrapped package, and Giles stood, walking into the
light as he took the small plastic candy distributor out of the crumpled
paper. Giles held up the Mr. Peabody Pez dispenser, staring at it with a
strange look of awe. "I don't know what to say." Giles marveled.
"You could say, 'wow, a plastic doodad of my very own.'"
Giles grinned, "It's Mr. Peabody."
"Yes, I noticed that. I collect them, and thought of you when I saw that one."
"This is really sweet." Giles smiled, and reached out, slugging Oz on the same
shoulder Cordelia had. "I don't have anything for you." Oz flinched, "How
about an icepack?"
"Oh, did I hurt you? I don't even know what possessed me to..." Giles reached
out, touching Oz's shoulder. "It's okay. I'm good." Oz nodded, "I should be
"All right. I'll see you later. Thank you." Giles smiled again.
"Bye Mr. Peabody," Oz said as he walked to the doors.
"Bye, my boy Sherman," Giles called out as Oz left the library.
So was the first two.
It was late at night when Oz's van broke down on Crawwford street. He
sighed as he looked under the hood, seeing that it was something he had no
grasp on, Oz went back to the seat of the van. He got his bag, since it
contained all his money, and vampire killing accessories, and he began to
It wasn't long until he saw the mansion that he knew Angel was holding up in.
He thought about stopping there for a minute...it was possible the guy had a
phone. He finally decided to go ahead and stop there. If nothing else it was
fairly safe shelter from Sunnydale's night life.
Oz walked down the staircase, knocking slightly at the entrance to the room.
Oz saw Angel by the fireplace, reading some French book with a slightly
confused look on his face. "Hey."
Angel looked up, alarmed, and the look of confusion returned to his face. "Who
"Oz." Oz stepped into the room, "Friend of Buffy's. I was at her party,
"Ohhh." Angel nodded, "You're the quiet kid who was with Willow. Buffy says
you two are, uh, dating." Angel said.
"Not really...she's, uh, been cheating on me with Xander." Angel chuckled for
a few seconds before her saw the serious look on Oz's face, and he said, "You
"Yeah, it is kind of funny." Oz scowled.
"I'm sorry. Is there something I can help you with?" Angel asked.
"I was curious as to whether or not you had a...a...phone."
"No, afraid not. Why do you need a phone?"
"My van broke down."
Oz sighed, but his mind quickly went to his bag. He remembered one of his Pez
dispensers that he thought would be pretty good for Angel. He opened his bag,
pulling it out, it being conveniently wrapped in the newspaper. "Here." Oz
handed the small package to Angel.
"What's this?" Angel looked confused, yet again.
"It's a present."
"No...really, what is it?"
"It's a present."
Angel looked down, unwrapping it slowly. He opened it up to see a small blue
donkey on a rectangular column. "Wow." Angel choked out, already sounding
touched, "Uhhh...what is it?"
"It's a Pez dispenser. Eeyore...from Winnie the Pooh."
"Ohh. Okay." Angel looked at it, fiddling with it like a little kid, "What's
this stuff inside of it?"
"It's Pez. Candy." Oz said, "You really don't go to the Safeway, or BP a lot,
Angel tried one of the Pez. "That's really good." Angel tried another. And
Oz handed Angel a spare pack, "Here, knock yourself out man."
"Wow. This was so great of you." Angel said, looking down, "This is the only
present I've ever gotten."
"What? You're kidding me."
"No...two hundred and forty years of darkness, and twenty four years of life
and I never got a present. Ever." Angel looked overly touched from the
"Wow," was all Oz could say.
"This is so...sweet." Angel smiled, and hit Oz on the shoulder lightly, making
sure not to hit too hard, 'cause inflicting pain is mean.
"No problem. Hmm, maybe I better get going before my parents get the
impression I'm off partaking in orgies, and drugs at some liberal hippie
"It's not safe to go out there at night." Angel smiled, "Maybe you should stay
"My parents will kill me if I don't get home soon. They probably think I'm off
at some Goth club consuming alcohol, and being whi..." Angel stopped him, "You
want me to escort you home?"
"No!" Oz said, immediately. Angel looked almost hurt, until Oz recovered, "I
know it's, um, strange...but, I don't think my parents would like it too well
if I showed up at two o' clock in the morning with an attractive man at my
Angel nodded slowly, "I get you. You do have a stake, and holy water, and a
cross, and garlic, and..." Oz stopped him with a nod, "And if they come up
with a way of bottling sunlight, I'll have some of that too."
"Okay. Thank you. I love it." Angel held up his Pez dispenser.
"No problem." Oz nodded, heading out of the room, leaving Angel to fiddle with
He breathed in the night air, "It's not that far home, anyway." Oz started to
walk, making sure he had a stake readied, hidden in his sleeve.
Oz had been walking ten minutes when he heard a noise from the tree behind
him. He turned, but didn't see anything there, but when he turned back he was
faced with a stunningly pale, sculpted form of bleach blonde beauty.
The man smiled at him, "Hello cutie."
"You're, uh...Spike, right?" Oz choked out. He hadn't ever actually seen Spike
for himself, but he'd heard plenty descriptions of him.
"Right. You're a mortal, right?" Oz nodded, "Sorta."
"Then why in the world do you know who I am?" Spike asked, confused that a
civilian knew who he was.
"I like to...um, read, and I eavesdrop on everybody and..." Oz's attempt at
not mentioning his status as one of Buffy's friends was interrupted, "You're
one of the Slayer's friends, aren't you?"
"Uhhh..." Oz began, until Spike grabbed on to him roughly, "yeah."
Spike let go, "Well, you know my secret identity, I'm afraid I'm going to have
to kill you."
"Wait!" Oz said. "I...I..." Oz reached into his bag, not even controlling what
he was doing at the moment, "I got you a present." Oz urged the small
newspaper wrapped Pez dispenser into Spike's hands.
Spike looked down at it, baffled, "What?" Spike opened it up quickly, to
reveal a Trix Rabbit Pez dispenser. "What is this supposed to be?"
"It's a candy dispenser with the whimsical cartoon Trix rabbit on it. It's
"Trix Rabbit? From the commercials?" Spike looked down, "Do I remind you of
the Trix Rabbit?"
"Yeah. Totally...I mean, you've got white hair, and your plans are often
"Wow. This was really great of you, mate." Spike hit Oz on the arm,
accidentally sending him flying a few feet through the air, and crashing to
"Ooops." Spike crossed the distance, and helped Oz up. "You know, this is the
best present I've gotten since that punk kid traded in his life for this
duster." Spike gestured to his coat, "But, that's not really a present, is
Oz shook his head.
"Yeah, the word present has really lost it's meaning over the years." Spiked
Oz's eyes widened as he saw Buffy walking up the street with a look of pure
shock on her face. Whether it was from seeing Spike, or seeing Spike and him
conversing, Oz didn't know.
"Spike!" Buffy called out, when she was only ten feet away from them.
Spike turned from Oz, "Oh great!" Spike held his hands up, the Pez dispenser
in one of them. "I stop to feed on this kid, and then I can't even do that
'cause he takes me out of the killing mood by giving me a present...now, the
Slayer has to come and ruin our perfectly good conversation," Spike said,
sounding generally annoyed. Not scared, or vicious, just annoyed.
"You shouldn't have come here, Spike." Buffy gave him her best menacing look.
"Well, I gave up on looking for Dru after about two weeks." Spike sighed, "I'm
not really a patient man."
"Can I go now, Buffy?" Oz asked, breaking in to enemies' banter. They both
turned to him, yelling, "No!."
Oz stayed still.
"Are we going to catch up, spend a little while fighting until either I or you
have some reason to run out, or are you just going to let me go?" Spike asked
"I'm going to kill you."
"I didn't even get a chance to eat any of my Pez."
Buffy forgot about Spike for a second, and asked of Oz, "Why exactly did you
give Spike a Pez dispenser?"
"Because, he's a cool guy," Spike said, immediately wondering what the hell
had gotten them all into their current situation.
Buffy turned completely. "You're passing out candy to undead fiends?"
Spike didn't like to be the coward, but while Buffy was turned to Oz, he
slipped behind a tree, quickly running at supernatural speeds. When Buffy
turned around Spike was gone.
"Damnit!" Buffy shouted.
Oz looked at Buffy, "Can I go now?"
Buffy dismissed him, "Yeah, sure, away." She was still stewing about her
letting Spike get away.
Oz picked up his bag, and out fell a small package. He picked it up, about to
put it back into the bag when the thought occurred to him, and he handed it to
Buffy looked down at the gift, "What's this?"
"It's a present."
Buffy opened it up, "You sure like giving people Pez." Buffy held up the small
plastic thingamajig, this time it was bearing the resemblance of Smurfette.
"This is so cute." Buffy smiled.
Oz nodded, "Smurfette. Some personality similarities."
Buffy smiled again, "This was really nice of you Oz, now I'm not even mad at
you for distracting me during my fight to the death with Spike." Buffy
grinned, hitting Oz on the arm. He almost fell down from the force.
"Sorry!" Buffy went to Oz's side, "Is your arm okay?"
"Oh, it's just gonna fall off. How come everybody hits me when I give them
"Can't tell you."
Oz sighed, "I've had a long night."
Buffy nodded, "Do you want me to walk you home?"
"Yeah, my parents wouldn't object to you like they would to Angel." Oz
"What? Huh? What about Angel? What do you mean?"
"Uhhhh...nothing, I didn't say anything about Angel."
Buffy shook it off, and she and Oz started to walk. Buffy let Oz lean on her,
as he was nearly toppling over from all the physical damage done to his small
body, "So, Oz, what'd you do today?"