I'm so confused, never in all my years have I felt anything like this. My stomach is all twisted up and I feel very sick my hands are shaking ever so slightly as I try to reach for the phone to ring him. It's a joke I'm over one thousand years old and I can't ask a guy out? I don't even know why I want to go out with him. He is nicely shaped, but it's because of him I'm trapped in this stupid teenage body, and I have all these stupid feelings
Okay I can do it, just pick up the phone and dial. I mean it's not like it's your first date or anything, you did go to the Prom with him. It was so much easier when all I did with guys was torture them or avenge scorned women. Maybe even if we do start going out he'll cheat on me. He did on Cordelia, how do I know he won't do it again? Maybe I shouldn't ask him out; maybe I should wait for him to ring me? But I want to go out with him again. He's nice and funny and caring and cute. Plus he's very good in bed as I found out yesterday. But isn't it traditional for the guy to ring the girl?
Ringing, using the phone it's not that hard. I'm staring at the phone blankly now. It's a pretty cool phone, kinda clear so you can see the insides. It's amazing how much things have changed in all the years I've been a demon and I only look like a teenaged girl which kinda sucks. Being the 'Patron saint of scorned women' was very cool at times but I think it scares Xander a little, I talked about it on Prom night mainly because I was so nervous and I don't know about anything else. I may have seemed scary I mean what talking about the most gruesome ways to torture a guy but what else do I know about? I could have told him about my scintillating life as an abused peasant girl before I became Anyanka. But I hate who I was then and I care what Xander thinks of me.
I've asked Xander out on all our dates, is that normal? I asked him to the prom and then I turned up at Giles'. His mom seems pretty out of it, if you ask me but she was nice enough and we had a long talk about Xander when he was a kid. I can't tell him that I care that much because guys hurt girls when they care for them I've seen it happen. I wonder if maybe yesterday he was just using me for sexual intercourse. By the PTB I hope not, because I felt something in his basement in the sofa bed and I don't know how I would handle being used again.
I remember the ascension; I was so scared so I bailed particularly as this body is so weak and fragile. I wanted him to come with me, I don't even know why. But the thought of him bruised and battered or maybe even dead hurt me. So, I asked him to come, and he turned me down. I admire him for that because I am a coward and he was willing to stick it out to fight by the side of his friends, to die by their side if that was what was needed to keep the world safe. Driving out of Sunnydale I thought about him and for the first time in a millennia I prayed -to keep this weird boy who I liked safe. But now I fear my feelings have gone beyond liking into the next level, and I don't like it at all-I feel so vulnerable. While at the same time I love the feeling of safeness I get around him.
I have to call him and I reach out for the phone and as I do the shaking intensifies and I remember the first time I saw him. He was one of the men who I was meant to punish. Little did I suspect that a year on I would be asking him out, or as he put it, making things happen. I can't just wait for them to happen, I have to force them to happen, I'm so confused. The phone is ringing now, oh shit he's gonna pick it up. I think I'm going to be sick.
"Hi, Harris household, Xander at your service."
Oh, it's his laughing voice he's a clown did I mention that? He's really funny.
My throat is dry and I can't speak.
"Is anyone there? Because if it's Giles pranking me in return for ringing his doorbell, I'm sorry G-man, and I promise..."
Nervously I interrupt him in the middle of his babbling. "No, it's Anya, I was wondering..."