Part One: Cordelia - "Yes, I am a goddess, why do you ask?"
He left me! The little...okay, yes, I had to pay Alexa. And I didn't know he was going to be there, so I shouldn't be mad that he left me at the door to go do whatever it is that Ozs do at an S&M/Goth club. But he left me. Me! Cordelia Chase! Alone! In a Goth club! If Harmony or anyone ever found out, I would be ruined. And if I was ruined, I'd do something truly awful to Oz, I swear I would. Hmmph.
So, I paid Alexa like Oz told me to, 'cause I think it would be very bad to antagonize her. She was wearing the strangest outfit. It was silver, and short. And silver.
I will say this for her, she does know how to accessorize.
I walked over to the bar, intending to order a nice, helpful drink. So imagine my surprise when a midget, yes, a midget, started talking to me. Not only was he talking to me, he was reciting awful poetry.
Take, for example, this lovely bit of verse:
And, as if that wasn't enough, he was wearing a cape. Now, I can be flattered by poetry and attraction, but the cape? God.
"Your eyes sparkle through the darkness, through the dire
I throw my bleeding heart upon the burning funeral pyre
My soul, my pain, written in blood and sung with a lyre
I fall through the night, I fall to the quagmire
My wishes, my dreams, my life terribly dire
And only your love is all I require."
So I glared at him. And it was a good glare. One of my best, designed to make the receiver of that glare just feel low.
But did that stop him? Ohhhh, no. He kept reciting poetry. Such as:
Awful, isn't it?
"Your magnificence blinds me, piercing my heart with light
I cannot help but feel my loins grow tight
My soul pounds with the radiance in my sight
For you are my goddess, filling me with might
When I am without you, on my heart lies a blight
You are my lady, my queen of the night."
I felt the strongest urge to throttle him. I would have too, if Oz hadn't come back and made it blatantly clear that I was taken. Which, I wasn't. But the midget did not have to know that.
So we drank, and talked, and I swear Oz was being twitchy. Which isn't like him. So I immediately thought that he was nervous 'cause he wanted to be beaten, and I was not about to stand for that. Nope. Someone had to look out for poor Oz, and since I was there, it was going to be me.
I have a protective streak, okay? So sue me. Well, don't, 'cause I'd win in a lawsuit, but that's beside the point. And Oz brings it out of me, 'cause he's so little and cute.
Don't ever tell him I said that.
Part Two: Faith - "Because it's all about my breasts."
(a bit later, in a different part of the club)
So, I'm with this gorgeous stud of a guy named Rex, right? And I'm doing my level best to get him to forget that silly "two weeks" rule so that we could go somewhere and get some good, hot, lovin'. 'Cause let's face it, the boy was stacked, and who do I see but Oz, the cute little werewolf. He had the weirdest expression on his face, like he was about to pass out or something. But he stared at me straight on, I had to give him that. He doesn't back down a whole lot. So, of course, I go over and talk to him.
He asked me why I was there, and how long I was staying. Stuff like that. If I didn't know better, I'd think he wanted me to leave. But no, he was just curious, and I explained to him about Rex and well, sex and everything was cool.
I went back to Rex (You've just gotta love a name like "Rex" y'know? Pure he-man. They're always fun) and we danced some more, but he still wasn't giving in on that stupid rule. So I figured, hey, liquor him up, it seems to work for guys. I sent him off to get us something to drink.
Stupid me forgot that any woman alone is fair game for the freaks and weirdos.
For instance, this little guy, a midget, came up to me and started reciting poetry. And it wasn't even good poetry. Like, he said this:
I was about to say something and then he turned green and left. I figured Rex came back, and I was right. Damn but the guy is hot.
"I rest between your precious breasts
Snug in safeness, snug in nests
My pain fades, my pleasure crests
All between your wonderful breasts."
Yeah, I got him to forget the rule. Was it ever in doubt?
Part Three: Alexa - "Subtlety. Not my strong suit."
I leaned back against the bar, stretching out tired muscles and watching the remains of the crowd. Someone joined me, and judging by the height, it was Casanunda, the self-styled poet and lover extraordinaire.
"Hey, Cas." I smiled at him. "You look glum. No luck tonight?"
"No," he sighed. "I don't normally have this much trouble. I mean, it's not subtle, but I've got a bloody great tonker."
Oh dear. He did not just say "tonker" did he? I will have to remember that one. "I think it's the highwayman outfit, honey. It scares the ladies off." I tried not to laugh. Or smile. I like Casanunda. He's sweet. Pitiful, but sweet.
"Yeah. Try, I don't know...period costume. Women are a sucker for lace and silk on a guy." Well, it's not a complete lie. Some of them are.
He nodded to himself, muttering. Casanunda turned around suddenly. "I have a poem for you!"
Oh lord. "I'm a little tired tonight...why don't you write it down for me and I'll read it first thing in the morning?"
He nodded eagerly and went off in search of paper.
Crisis averted. Yeah, me.