I sat in the bar, drinking. My fake ID I got in L.A., on my way to Sunnydale, before it all fell apart, was still good enough to pass, good enough to let me in, to put a wristband on my wrist, to get me a beer, to get me a drink, to get me a shot so I'd get fucked up and forget. Again.
I reached for my beer again, thick brown glass held firmly in my hand. I could smash it against the bar top and hold it against the throat of some of the fuckers in this bar, noisy, loud, wearing neutral colors and Gap leather jackets, singing along to the screeching jukebox in the corner blaring out the latest tunes.
How the fuck I ended up in a college bar, I don't know. I found a flophouse, small, cheap, but there was a bar next door, and I needed a drink. I craved a drink. I needed to forget. I needed the flashes to go away. Far, far away, no images and no thoughts and nothing of the past, nothing of her.
Blond hair in sunlight. Malibu Barbie smile as she dusted off her pants. Stake in her hand.
I shook my head, and took another long drink of my beer. It slid down my throat slowly, like guilt, like hatred, like sin.
Knife in my stomach, her eyes angry, hateful, then a flash -- apology? pity? love?
I cursed under my breath, my elbows propped on the bar, my hands covering my face, fingers sliding into my greasy hair, bracelets clanking on my wrists, lots of bracelets, hiding the time little Faith couldn't handle her new position in life, her new relationship to the world and the big fucking scar running down my stomach. Fucking memories. Fucking past. It was all just shit now. I couldn't go back, I had nowhere to go, nowhere to go but down...slowly down as I drunk myself dead.
I straightened up and took another drink. The music changed from loud college cock rock guitars to a slow bass beat, a faint tinkling sample, a crooning bitter, black coffee and cigarettes singer, singing through the haze.
And then I saw her.
That's a fucking clichè, isn't it? And then I saw her. But it's true. I saw her. And everything changed.
She was in the corner, swaying to the music, lost in her own little world. I knew she didn't belong there, and that was before the prickles on my neck started, before the sense kicked in and I knew she wasn't human. She swayed in her long velvet dress, swaying along to the beat, her dress swinging along. Her arms were up, stretched towards the stars, stretched towards the heavens, the heavens denied to her when she drank the blood of her sire, when she changed.
I wanted her. More than anything else in the entire fucking world, I wanted her. More than forgiveness. More than salvation. More than Buffy. I wanted this woman -- this vampire -- this slow passionate destructive death.
I slid up to her, smooth, unobtrusive, watching her. No one else in the bar paid attention to her, lost in their own conversations and petty problems. I watched her dance. And dance. And dance, my eyes tracing over her slender body, the delicate curve of her hip, the lift of a small, tender breast, just perfect for feminine hands to take hold of, her full pouting lips, dark red against her pale skin -- lipstick or freshly drying blood?
The song changed and she continued to sway, unaware of beat, melody, music. I moved against her, facing her back, my hand raised to touch her slowly -- She whirled around, her wide gray eyes looking right through me, knowing me inside and out. "You're not one of them..." she said, softly, barely audible over the loud bass thump and the shrieks of the patrons. "Who are you?"
"I..." My voice broke. I couldn't find the words. I wanted her so much, I wanted her to save me, to make me forget everything, to lose myself in her lavender scented flesh, to slowly lose everything, everything in the gentle love of a pale gorgeous vampire. "I'm yours..."
She smiled, a low sly commanding smile that just ripped out my heart, the way her nails sliding against my neck could rip out my throat in a second. "Mine forever?" she said, like a child, questioningly.
Lose myself in her. Lose myself forever. Oblivion in a kiss. "Yes," I whispered hoarsely as I pulled her towards me. "Forever."