never supposed to happen
I think that sums it up quite well, man.
Shit like this isn't supposed to happen to guys like me. I'm young, good looking. Fucking immortal, right?
So why the fuck am I dead?
Booze, cocaine, car, bridge. I think that was the order. I can't quite remember and I think we both know why. The booze and the cocaine. The same reason car went over bridge.
By the way, I totally don't recommend drowning as a way to go.
And I'll admit it, I was all fucking ready to blame you. You, man. You were the one who always kept me straight and fucking narrow.... Okay, maybe not totally straight and narrow. But straighter and narrower. And then, boom! You're gone. You're gone, I go doing stupid shit and end up getting myself killed in some stupid fucking accident.
I was totally gonna heap the blame on you at first. There's a whole fucking page written of just... rantings. Cursing you and how you fell for that fucking redhead and left me out in the cold. I mean, did you ever once look back, man? Did you look back and think and wonder how I might be feeling?
It wasn't just fucking, okay? Wait, maybe it was at first. But after, after you hooked up with her, it kinda hit me. It was more. Groupies, that's fucking. You I could fuck and then talk to after. Talk about anything. You saw that other side of me. The side no one else gets to see. The side that isn't the ignorant fucking slut.
That was never supposed to happen.
But I let you see it. I don't know if I let it slip or if I needed you to see it or if maybe we'd just known each other for too long. But I let you see it and I know you saw it. I could see it in your eyes some nights.
Why the fuck did you ever fall for her?
Wait, why am I asking questions? It's not like you can write back and tell me.
I know it sounds really fucking lame, but when you met her. When I felt you distancing yourself from me. I just found myself doing stupider and stupider things. Fucking five-year-old looking to get your attention or something in any way possible.
But it didn't work. You fucking fell in love with her when I found myself wanting you to fall in love with me.
And then you were just gone.
There are -- were? whatever -- four things I cared about in life. Myself, sex, the Dingoes, and you. You took two of those things from me. Because after you left I realized that you were the fucking Dingoes. It just wasn't the same without you.
We tried. Oh, we tried like hell to keep going.
And we did. We got a little contract. We got a little money. I got a little bit into heavier drugs.
Fuck, I needed something to fill up those two empty spaces.
First time I snorted coke I thought of you, man. Bet you just love hearing that. There I was, sitting there, staring at that little line of white powder and it just kinda hit me. Oz would call me a fucking moron for doing something like this. At least the Oz I remembered would have.
Then I said to myself, "fuck 'em," and did it. I just fucking did it.
Could you have saved me from myself? Fuck, I don't know. Maybe I would have dragged you down. Maybe we'd both be sitting here, side by side, writing one more letter before heading off to the great beyond. Of course, if you were here then I don't know who I'd write to.... Maybe Trev. He'd deserve a few words. You'd probably write the redhead or something to apologize to her.
I can see you doing that. You're fucking decent, man. I've never been decent. Except when you were around. You made me decent. You forced me to be decent.
Shit... this got long. Maybe I'm still fucking high or something. Remember how I always used to get all rambly when I was stoned? Got really horny too. Those were some good fucking nights.... Really good. But it was the nights I was stone cold sober that I fell in love with you.
Yea, you read it right. I wrote the 'L' word. If I was face to fucking face with you I'd say it. I fell in love with you, Oz. Love, love, motherfucking love. Another thing that was never supposed to happen.
But that was just my own fucking stupidity. Like everything that got me to where I am today. Dead and penning this. Loving you and letting things get out of control when I lost you and snorting that last line and driving off that bridge....
All my fucking fault.
I'm not blaming you. I was going to, but I'm not. Cause it wouldn't be fucking fair. Shouldering the blame myself, that's decent. And I'm gonna try like hell to be decent. Because you made me that way, even though I'm not.
Bye, Oz, bud. Maybe I'll see you again someday.
I still fucking love you.
d e a d l e t t e r s h o m e