I didn't forget you. I swear I didn't. I even bought you this beret it's blue though I know you'd probably want a black one. But I think blue brings out your eyes, black makes you look tired. Stop shaking your head you know it's true. Anyways now that beret is somewhere flowing against the ocean or maybe a shark has picked it out as his very favorite? You know strutting his stuff around the sea floor in front of the other sharks...playing cool French shark guy? The other sharks are probably all raving about his shark coolness now.
Either way I didn't stop thinking about you.
I know I stopped calling and the letters I promised every day grew thin until they stopped completely. Tara you don't know what it's like to be twenty and in Paris for the first time and the way the lights sparkled...but every single twinkle reminded me of you...even if it was someone else who had their arms around me. The mist in that French air will do strange things to a girl and I know that's not an excuse. God I hate that I had to tell you this now and in this way. But it's the only chance I'm gonna' get.
I meant to write you a long letter the last night I was in town while I sat at some sidewalk cafe and watched all the couples strolling about the promenade, a letter full of apology and love.
I didn't though because I figured my plane would land before that letter ever even crossed the ocean. I didn't think that scribbled words could ever amount to the things I wanted to say, I had apologies to make and then kisses to give. And just so many things to tell you.
I knew you'd forgive me for all my indiscretions and my lack of attention...because you're you and you love me. I know I loved(...I'm already thinking of my life in past tense...it all happens so fast Tara, so very fast...)--I love you despite everything.
I imagined you at the airport...then later the way your face would fall that night as you're hand combed nervously through Miss Kittyfantastico fur when I told you about her, even though you already knew. I could see the tremble in your lip even. I'd kiss away every doubt and you'd still love me, wouldn't you?
I never thought that the engines would give out on my plane.
I never thought I'd die in such an extraordinary ordinary way. In a fall from the sky with two hundred other people...crying babies, scared old people, tired businessmen and even a movie star.
A 'B' movie star, but that's something, isn't it?
I figured I'd die either an old lady with a passel of grandchildren or else swiftly in some fight to save the world or something equally as challenging and demonic.
Who would have known I'd be buried beneath the water this way? I never thought I wouldn't get the chance to make all my horrible mistakes up to you, never knew I wouldn't touch you again or get a chance to see you smile one last time or hear your voice...or anything. Or a chance to find out, a chance to make sure you don't hate me. I'd never be able to whisper in your ear that it's you.
Tara it's you. It was always you.
No one else, never. Please don't hate me, my last thoughts were for you even as the plane hit the blue waters with a force I could never imagine.
If I could do it all over again I'd call you everyday, send you volumes in the mail and never would have gotten drunk on cheap wine and end up wrapped around some other girl. I'd give a lifetime of Paris up for one minute with you again if I had the chance.
I don't though, have that chance. All I get is this...a letter from the grave.
I have to go, times up...
Tell Buffy and Xander and Giles that I love them. My parents too, you'll finally meet them I suppose...at the funeral or somewhere. But don't be sad and try not to be angry. Watch out for Dawn for me, sometimes Buffy's a bit hard on her.
There's a world full of people I have messages for...
I have to go.
I'm sorry. I've run out of time.
d e a d l e t t e r s h o m e